White lies.

Be honest. Out of 10 times that you've asked for the truth, how many times did you mean it? Did you really want to know? Or was it just the "right" thing to say, so you won't appear wimpy, or worse, small-minded? And then, there are the sado-masochistic ones, who only want to know what they already know, except they'd rather it was someone else saying it. I am like that sometimes.

Do you know yourself well enough?

It takes a brave soul to ask for the truth, hear it, and then take it "like a man" -- and an even braver one to admit rather not knowing.

I believe.

"I am one who does not belive in 'The One'. Why? Because I believe that if there was such a thing, there wouldn't be a need to make compromises right? People who have found their 'Soulmates' wouldn't have to compromise to make a relationship work right?"

Consider the concept of faith in Christianity. You either believe, or you don't. And then there are some, who have had the "fortune" of experiencing and hence "validating" their faith.

That being said, when a Christian tells you he prays to God, to say, pass the University exams, certainly, he can't just kick back, and expect God to deliver the grades to him on a silver platter, eh?

The idea of predestination discomforts many people, including myself, because we think that leaves us to the mercy of god-knows-what is out there, and makes life seem pointless since everything has already been planned and decided for you. But perhaps, the point to it all is the path we CHOOSE to take to reach our respective "predetermined" destinations? Life is a journey, and it is what we learn and make of ourselves on the journey that makes it all worthwhile, or otherwise.

A couple of friends who have had readings taken by fortune tellers have been told that though the lines of fate can't be changed, the human will is just as strong an influence.

Although I wouldn't say I compromised in my recently ended relationship, it wasn't exactly effortless for me either. There were trying times, and I did have to work through things in my head and my heart. Sure, there are better men out there, but staying on had never been a compromise and settling for; I just WANTED him for what he was. Even now, where I am, and understanding that he's not for me, I still won't settle for just anyone who comes along. (OK, maybe just for fun, I would, but that would be like having a snack while waiting for the dinner to start.) If I did settle, it would just be a seeming eternity of effort after effort ad nauseam to keep the relationship going. Good for you if you find someone who is seemingly near to a "best possible" match with your likes and dislikes, but can we ever find all the nooks and crannies that need fitting? How do you know when enough is enough? When it comes to the crunch, what happens? Is your glass half-full or half-empty? It's all about the perspective, isn't it?

I haven't stopped believing.

And I believe I made the right decision: notwithstanding the possibility that really, we may be neither's "the one" or that "the one" may be just my fantasy, the truth remains that he stopped wanting to "compromise" being with me.

- - - - - - - - - -

Here's an interesting poem that I got off Valska:

The Scrutiny
by Richard Lovelace (Source)

Why should you swear I am forsworn,
Since thine I vowed to be?
Lady, it is already morn,
And 'twas last night I swore to thee
That fond impossibility.

Have I not loved thee much and long,
A tedious twelve hours' space?
I must all other beauties wrong,
And rob thee of a new embrace,
Could I still dote upon thy face.

Not but all joy in thy brown hair
By others may be found; -
But I must search the black and fair,
Like skilful mineralists that sound
For treasure in unploughed-up ground.

Then if, when I have loved my round,
Thou prov'st the pleasant she,
With spoils of meaner beauties crowned
I laden will return to thee,
Ev'n sated with variety.

Moving -- somewhere.

From Valska: Moving on. How do we know when we have moved on? When we stop thinking of that person? When we stop feeling the pain? When we stop loving them?

(1) Have I stopped thinking about him?

Have stopped checking up on his online times (read: at home and not out with the woman), for 2 days in a row now. Major OCD, considering that used to do it every half hour or so. And then it got less frequent, and just stopped, not by a conscious effort to end the obsession, but simply out of lack of interest. (Yes, I know I sound like a stalker. And you don't have to go on reading the rest of this entry if it offends you.)

Don't really think about the "happier days", which just seem so far away and unreal. Don't doubt that had been truly happy and in love, but when I try to reminisce consciously, the memories just don't come easily -- not because can't remember, just not motivated enough to remember.

Sure, certain things do trigger thoughts of him. E.g. When the latest copy of Torque came in, remembered to put it away to pass to him sometime. But it was more of a reflex, to do something for someone. More of a reminder.

Do I still miss him as a boyfriend? Ah, nooo... As a friend? Actually, no either. Maybe as a 24-hour tech support. Yeah, heh. That, definitely.

(2) Has the pain ended?

What pain? (Bearing in mind, of course, that E thinks I am still in denial. Don't know.) Guess it's just so unreal, when you think about the 6 years, and that it only officially ended 3 weeks ago. Or maybe just have to see something really traumatic, like him and the woman, together. Yeah, that could be an OUCH.

(3) Have I stopped loving him?

Am certainly not *in* love anymore. Don't know about "loving" him -- perhaps in a detached way, looking back on the past sort of way? Have tried to bring to mind his face, but the first visual that popped up (not exactly a conscious choice, mind you) was that of his brooding face, squishy eyes, dark shadows beneath, pursed lips, hardly attractive; not the open and happy and adorable face I know so well. *shrug* It's weird for me too.

(4) Have I moved on?

Move on to what? What do they really mean when they tell you to "move on"? Do people move on "forward", to look past what has happened, to learn from their experiences and then to look toward what the rest of life has in store? Or do some people really just root themselves to the spot, thinking it good enough that they have put on blinkers to block out the pain, and can continue to eat, breathe and sleep , until something or someone comes to bring them "forward"?

I know I have my friends to thank for pulling me out of the bog of my despair, and maybe they have also brought me "forward", in their own ways, some more quirky than others. Maybe that's why am OK now? Don't know -- is there a minimum mourning period?

Life is back to the dailies for me -- though am frightfully restless. Having to catch up with 6 weeks' worth of backlog at work is really tough, but doable.

Pigged out on KFC crispy chicken and cheese fries (Yeah, they're back!) while surfing and watching Sex and the City on Wednesday night. Then lay in bed, reading a book, drifting in and out of sleep, until R called just to chat. Went to bed after.

Don't know if this means am just rooted or have moved on "forward". Maybe I have, but the step "forward" is probably just not obvious to my one-dimensional mind.

Am alone now -- but am not afraid.

It's never too soon to know. [edited]

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back.
Maybe you have to let go of who you were, to become who you will be."
-- Sex & The City, Season 5, Episode 1, "Anchors Away"

"I wish to inform you of my decision to withdraw from the M.A. (English Studies) Programme, for personal reasons." It is done.

They call, asking how I am. I tell them I am OK. No more tears. No more what-ifs. No more pinings. Rarely anyway. I am also finally catching up on sleep. I used to tell him that I would not be able to live without him; that I would rather kill myself; I could not bear even the thought of the rest of my life without him. It seems that I can and I will, after all.

Ridding myself of excess baggage.
Stepping onto a new path.
Walking tall.

The unbearable lightness of being.

Perhaps this "lightness of being" is a sign that I have been "released". Things happen for a reason. Strange how I had encouraged him to go for the diploma course, and not worry about the break from paid work. The strange thing is that it happened during the internship, the final leg of the course. The recommendation of the internship company came about because of a mutual friend (how strange, now that I think the wheels were set in motion so very long ago). He had always not liked the guy much but "tolerated" him because the latter was my friend. Looks like he has not only graduated out of the programme, but the relationship too. As much as it sounds cliched, this is for the better, for both of us.

The strange coincidence of it all: I have been told I look healthier, and I think he's looking better too. Has the relationship been literally poisoning us in body and spirit?

We met for breakfast yesterday, and also to return stuff to each other. We made friend-talk (small-talk is too demeaning a term to use here), and he made an interesting comment, which shall not be printed in this journal -- I am exercising my choice and responsibility here. So there :-) It was a very comfortable friendliness -- which is good. I don't want to lose a very good friend too, and whom I am still very fond of.

Later in the day, SF and I were just standing at the corner of Centrepoint, while she took a call, and I saw him walking in our direction, looking smart in a long-sleeved shirt and a much smaller paunch. He was on his way to meet "dragon girl" for a movie. I was thinking (and smarting somewhat, i.e. *buay song*) at the amount of effort he had put in to look good -- for her. SF said that perhaps this chance incident was meant to validate my decision to break it off. We wouldn't even have been in that area if not for her wanting liquorice from Plaza Singapura. Just as Areya said one should learn to "fang4 de2 xia4" (i.e. give it up and put it away), one should also learn to "xiang3 de2 kai1" (i.e. come to terms with one's thoughts and decisions).

With this "release", it's time to travel alone, for some time...to think about what I really want out of my life and to contemplate the meaning of it all.

- - - - - - - - - -

Looks like "the one" has generated some interesting opinions here and here :-)

And here's what Jack, the self-proclaimed "smart ass (and overworked) consultant" had to say about "The Right One":

"Let's look at the math. There are 6 billion people in the world. Assuming the RIGHT ONE for you is a male, that cuts it down to 3 billion or so. The average life span of a Singaporean female like yourself would be around 72 years. Now to meet everyone so that you can be sure of the RIGHT ONE, you would have to meet 1.32 men every second of your life starting from the second you were born.

I (on behalf of Pei): Someone asked: What about the newborns every second? You forgot to include them. Heh.

Jack: What about old fogies who croak every second? The task simplifying assumption was that equilibirum was in place.

- - - - - - - - - -

So, do I still believe he was "the one"? Maybe he was -- but not anymore. Maybe we were meant to be together, for some reason, and now we are not meant to be together. Why? I suppose we have out-grown each other and have to move on to our greater purpose in life.

But you never forget your first love.

- - - - - - - - - -

And in answer to Pei's questions: What is the meaning of life? Why do we strive towards perfection? Is imperfection bad? Why are some people always "moving on"?

I remember grappling with the meaning of life when I was younger, and it ended in a major mental breakdown exactly 12 years ago. See what I mean about the Year of the Horse being bad for me?

SF believes we are here to learn our lessons in life, to develop "skillsets" that would prepare us for the next stage of life. To become a "better" human being. To move up the hierarchy of needs, from the basics of food and shelter, to eventually, realising our spiritual potential. With each module passed, we move on. A module or set of modules may not be completed within a lifetime though. And so, you continue in your next life. Pretty strange coming from a Christian, huh? Heh.

Maybe that is why people get restless easily and are constantly "moving on". Once they have graduated from a module, they have to move from that point of equilibrium to seek a higher point, and so on, until they have reached the "end point".

Very briefly and simplistically, the Buddhists believe that the cycle of rebirth and death only ends when one has unburdened oneself of all mortal baggage and become "enlightened" of one's spiritual destiny.

So, what is this "enlightenment" or end that we seek? Are we seeking to become the "perfect" human being? What is the "perfect" human being? I don't know, Pei. All I know is, it may not be within our current capacity to understand the "perfect" human being...yet. It may not be "perfection" as the Oxford defines it. It may not yet be in language that we can understand. What we do know of "love" and "life" now, is only what we can understand within the scope of our current stage of mental evolution. Maybe we will know when we have fully developed our "sixth sense".

Why then "the one"? Maybe the coupling of men and women was intended from the moment Adam gave up his rib to make Eve. A complement of sorts. A meeting of soulmates. So a possible alternative view to what Eve (not Adam's Eve) said, is that maybe people do want to come together -- but only with "the one". Until "the one" comes along, it would not seem "natural" and hence the effort needed to stay together. I suppose it is possible for people to walk past their soulmates and not realise it, or for some reason, they do meet "the one" but are not ready to "couple" -- but as I said, sometimes, things do happen for a reason. You may not understand it now; you may not even understand it in this lifetime. Of course, this is all terribly disconcerting for people who need to make sense of their life and the world around them. Trust me, I myself find it disconcerting too.

I don't know where this puts the lesbians and homosexuals though.

Now I also don't know if eventually, close to and / or upon realisation of one's spiritual destiny, it would be by oneself, or with "the one". Maybe "the one" is just the means to the end -- so as one evolves spiritually, one becomes increasingly self-sufficient.

The truth is out there.

Do you believe?

Do you believe in "the one"? Or do you believe that there are more than 1 "the one" out there just waiting for you to chance upon one (or even more than one) of them? Or is it that these few are only potentials, and that at any one time, there can be just "the one" -- the way The Child of Light and The Child of Dark "moved" from body to body, in David Eddings' Belgariad?

Or do you think this is all hogwash: That we make our own choices and it's all about coincidences and an element of luck? Is life a shapeless lump of clay to mould to your whims and fancies?

I do not believe the world is so disordered and chaotic. Does nature not tend towards some form of order and balance?

I don't know if there is 1, or 2, or 3, or more "the one" out there. I just know "the one" is someone so special, you don't need to think it through from A to Z. He is the missing piece in the puzzle, and when you finally find him and receive this missing piece into your life, you will be complete.

How I ached for the phantom limb when it was ripped from me, sudden and untimely. So many questions. Unanswered all.

And now I appear to be adrift, suspended in some kind of emotionless limbo. Has the past month drained me of all tears, hurt, anger and even, love? Have I been so traumatised by the avalanche that I am in denial again?

I don't seem to feel the hole in my heart anymore...but I feel a greater emptiness of sorts, as if I were now of emptiness. When the missing piece was ripped from me, was the rest of me too torn apart, and now I am but feeling the pieces of me drifting, trying to find their way back together again?

Am I still finding myself?

Picking up the pieces: Only I will recognise and find my own pieces.

Only Time (Enya)

Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows
Only time...

And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose
Only time...

Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies
Only time...

And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies
Only time...

Who can say when the roads meet
That they might be
In your heart...

And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart
...night keeps all your heart...

Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose
Only time...

And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows
Only time...

Who knows? Only time...
Who knows? Only time...